BY NAOMI BARR
“Remind yourself that nobody knows what you’re thinking or feeling unless you verbalize it.”
WE MAY THINK of toxic behavior as tossing insults or hurling plates. Often, though, it’s much more subtle. Those little white lies you tell to avoid owning up to mistakes? A kind of gaslighting. Letting out a loud sigh when cleaning up a mess your spouse left? A wee bit passive aggressive. Sometimes these actions are intentional. Sometimes they happen without much thought. Either way, they’re not great. And they can erode the bonds of a relationship, warns Robin Stern, PhD, cofounder of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence and senior adviser to its director. “That’s why it’s so important to identify and talk through what’s happening,” she adds. The first step is understanding toxicity so you can spot it in yourself and others. The next is dealing with it, and that can be hard. Confronting your own or a loved one’s icky behavior and tackling the “why” is serious work. So we asked experts how to overcome three common negative ways of relating in a relationship.
Passive Aggression
This is when someone says, “Hey, I’m upset with you,” without actually verbalizing it, explains psychotherapist Stephanie Sarkis, PhD, author of Healing from Toxic Relationships. Examples include loading the dishwasher and slamming the door shut because no one helped you, “forgetting” (but not really) to do something necessary, or the classic move: giving someone the silent treatment. Passive aggression is first in our list of bad behavior because, well, it’s just such a thing. Many people, particularly women, develop passive aggressive habits at a young age to cope with internalized anger or frustration, says Lisa Marie Bobby, PhD, founder of Growing Self Counseling & Coaching in Denver. “So many of us have been trained to be nonconfrontational,” she says. Instead of voicing our grievances, we bottle them up, then lash out in subtle ways.
WHEN YOU’RE THE CULPRIT
“Remind yourself that nobody knows what you’re thinking or feeling unless you verbalize it,” Bobby says. Back to that dishwasher example: Maybe you asked your partner to load it, but did you say when? You may have wanted them to do it immediately, but if you didn’t say that, it might be on their to-do list for later. Are you mad at a friend for some reason? Did you tell them, or are you just not speaking to them? Ask yourself, Am I communicating how I feel and what I want in words? No? Think about what you can say to get your needs met.
WHEN IT’S HAPPENING TO YOU
Talking to the other person is your best bet. Even if you’re upset (and you have every right to be!), try to convey compassion and curiosity during the conversation. Here’s a simple script from Bobby: “I’ve noticed that you say or do things that don’t seem to line up with what I think you actually feel. I value your thoughts and want to understand your perspective.” This opens a window to talk about why your partner seems so darn mad about the dishwasher.
Gaslighting
This term gets used so much, the Merriam-Webster dictionary picked it as the 2022 Word of the Year. Yet it’s often misused, so let’s clarify what it involves. “Gaslighting is a psychological manipulation in which the gaslighter tries to convince you that you’re misremembering, misunderstanding, and misinterpreting situations or your own behavior or motivations,” says Stern, who is also the author of The Gaslight Effect. “This creates doubt in your mind about who you are, what you’ve done, or what you’ve seen.”
Gaslighting is not when your partner strongly disagrees with you, or when you try to convince a friend to see your side of a fight. You breach the danger zone when you say something that undermines a person’s sense of self or reality. “You’re so sensitive—why can’t you take a joke?” is not a harmless comment; it suggests the person doesn’t have a right to their feelings, Sarkis explains. Making exaggerations, like “You never listen to me,” and feigning ignorance about a problem, as in “I have no idea what you’re talking about,” are also problematic.
It’s not always easy to know when you’re gaslighting someone, especially while it’s happening. That said, you can look for some red flags. If you notice yourself shooting someone down (“You don’t think through things clearly!”) or dismissing their experience (“You’re just paranoid!”), course-correct with something like this, Stern says: “I’m so sorry. I’m committed to paying closer attention to what I say in our interactions from now on.” Also, observe when someone looks upset during your conversation, and pause to check in on their feelings.
Address gaslighting in the moment, while the experience is fresh. Stern recommends saying something like “I think we’ll have to agree to disagree. I hear you challenging how I see things rather than accepting that we have different perceptions. I’m not comfortable with this conversation’s intensity. Let’s come back in a day or two when we’re not so heated, and we can talk more calmly.”
Self-Centeredness
While narcissists may exhibit this behavior all the time, even the best of us can display it sometimes, in the form of emotional dumping. “That’s when someone launches into what they’re going through without any interest in what the other person might be thinking, feeling, or needing at that moment,” Bobby says. “The dialogue becomes entirely one-way.” We become unusually focused on our own lives, for various reasons—stress, health, body insecurities—and talk about our problems a lot.
When this happens, we use our friends and family as relationship therapists, career counselors, or life coaches, says Alice Boyes, PhD, author of The Healthy Mind Toolkit. “Our personal issues lead to an overwhelming need for support, and we reach out to those who can provide it.” As a result, our emotional anchors may wind up feeling annoyed, hurt, and unheard, Bobby adds. Once again, it’s fixable.
Are people rushing you off the phone, making excuses about why they’re too busy to talk, or pulling back in other ways? Think about whether you’ve been overly self-focused. Before starting another vent session, ask the person you’re talking to if they have time and are in the right headspace to listen. At the end of your convo, be sure to show your appreciation for their attention (a simple thankyou works!) and let them know you’re always available for them too. Even better, set calendar reminders to send a “Thinking of you” text or a “How are you?” call, Boyes says.
Your tone when telling a friend they’ve been a little too “me, me, me” is important because you don’t want to come off as aggressive. “There’s a difference between being appropriately assertive and being critical,” Bobby says. A direct, fair thing to say would be “I’ve been feeling taken for granted when you call me to complain about work for an hour and don’t ask about me. I want to talk about how we can change this dynamic.” If that’s a little too direct, you can create boundaries. Offer up a 20-minute venting session with a hard out, Boyes recommends. Someone who’s not normally selfcentered will likely take the hint that you don’t want to be their human diary. If the pattern doesn’t end despite your attempts, you have a choice: Tolerate the behavior but space out your interactions so the self-obsessor finds another audience, or break ties. Sometimes a relationship doesn’t enhance your life anymore.
AS YOU WORK THROUGH any of these behaviors, it’s important to avoid placing blame, which can be a whole other kind of bad behavior. Forgive yourself or the others involved, practice patience, and remember that change takes time. Building new habits can be tedious, but it can ultimately help you form healthier connections with the people you love.
Illustration by Carole Hénaff