CONNECTIONS
As a leader, have you ever found yourself in a moment where two team members share completely different experiences of the same event — and both seem absolutely true?
Maybe one employee describes a conversation as dismissive and hurtful, while the other insists it was factual and necessary. Or maybe you’re sitting in a room where one person is quietly devastated and another is visibly angry, and you feel the pressure to take a side, to make it “either/or.”
You may have struggled with these moments, or thought that to resolve conflict and move forward, you had to choose. But here’s something powerful: Great leaders learn to hold two truths together.
Holding two truths means recognizing that different emotional experiences can coexist — even if they seem to contradict each other on the surface. It’s the ability to sit with complexity rather than rush to resolution. It’s staying grounded in empathy, not judgment.
This is not about being passive or indecisive. It’s about emotional wisdom. When leaders hold two truths, they validate each person’s experience, which lowers defenses, de-escalates tension and creates the emotional safety teams need to grow.
But here’s the challenge: it’s hard. As leaders, we carry responsibility. Our nervous systems can get hijacked by emotional heat in the room. We want to fix it, minimize it or sometimes even avoid it. But the truth is, our ability to stay present and attuned — to hold space for multiple realities — becomes the key to connection.
We all have blind spots. In heated moments, it’s easy to lose the systemic view and unconsciously side with one team member’s experience. We might try to be the voice for one person instead of helping them speak for themselves. Or we minimize one person’s feelings in the name of moving forward.
But this costs us something. It erodes trust. It sends subtle messages to others that their truth doesn’t matter as much. And that’s where disconnection starts.
We can’t create a culture of inclusion, engagement, or performance if people don’t feel seen or understood. Emotional safety isn’t built by solving problems — it’s built by holding space for emotional realities.
In our work with teams, we use the attachment lens to make sense of what’s happening underneath the surface. Every person — whether they’re calm or reactive — is trying to answer this question: “Do I matter to you? Can I count on you?”
A reactive employee might be shouting, withdrawing or stonewalling — not because they want to sabotage the team, but because they fear being unseen, unheard or unloved in some essential way.
When we lead from this frame, everything shifts. We see the “golden nugget” under the rocky surface. We learn to say: “I see how this impacted you and I want to understand more,” even if someone else in the room had a completely different experience.
Attunement is more than active listening — it’s a full-bodied presence. It’s the nod, the pause, the softening of your voice that says, I’m with you. You don’t have to agree with someone to be with them emotionally. You simply have to care.
As a leader, your attunement tells your team members:
“You’re not too much.”
“You make sense.”
“Your voice matters, even if it’s different.”
And the magic? When people feel emotionally held, they begin to soften. Defenses lower. Curiosity returns. New possibilities emerge. As one leader once said, “When I stopped trying to fix and just started being with, our team started healing.”
When two truths are held with care, something new is born — a third truth.
This “third truth” is a co-created understanding that weaves together both experiences. It’s where one team member says, “I didn’t know that’s how you felt,” and the other says, “I appreciate you hearing me.”
This doesn’t mean both people feel the same. It means they feel emotionally joined.
And as leaders, we don’t have to hold everyone up. We simply support each person to stand in their truth, express it clearly and receive the other. We become the emotional anchor, not the referee.
There is profound freedom in moving from either/or to both/and. It relieves the pressure to solve everything. It allows us to be with what is. And it teaches our teams that connection is possible, even when perspectives differ.
So the next time you’re caught between two truths, pause. Take a breath. Get curious. And remember:
You don’t have to fix.
You don’t have to choose.
You simply must be with.
Because when we lead with emotional presence and hold two truths with compassion, we don’t just manage conflict — we transform it into connection.
And that is the heart of great leadership.
Lola Gershfeld, Psy.D., is CEO and organizational psychologist for EmC Leaders. Email her at lola@emcleaders.com or connect through www.linkedin.com/in/lolagershfeld/.
