BOOK BRIEFS
A standing feature in LTEN Focus on Training magazine, Book Briefs lets members share tips and takeaways from their favorite business books. Reading a training-compatible book that you’d like to share with your LTEN colleagues? Complete our simple submission form.
Author: Dan LyonsBook briefed by Mark Butsavage
The world has become an interesting place throughout the last decade. We are increasingly exposed to noise, such as television, computer applications, the internet and now artificial intelligence (AI). There are all sorts of social media apps that bombard our brains with constant interruptions while simultaneously competing for attention.
There are those among us, myself included, who thrive at the opportunity to add to the noise. We are talkaholics, a group of people who love to be involved in conversation. Conversation stimulates us; it is our social background. As the saying goes, we can squeeze a 30-second hello into a 30-minute conversation.
I became interested in the book after listening to a podcast with Dan Lyons as the guest. I realized I was nodding along with his reasons why he is a self-diagnosed talkaholic.
I decided to read his book, but only after taking the test. Wait, there’s a talking test??? Of course there is, The Talkaholic Scale, created in 1993 and as Dan Lyons and I both found out, we are compulsive talkaholics.
The thing with talkaholics is that we like the noise, we embrace it and we love to add to it. There is the downfall: We love to share, or more accurately, overshare.
STFU encourages talkaholics to understand the noise around them and encourages everyone, including nontalkaholics, to turn the volume off.
As Steve Woodruff puts it, we’re all seeking those nuggets that capture our attention. What we need to do is to pay attention more, talk less and listen, truly listening for those nuggets rather than using designed algorithms to predict them for us.
Although STFU stands mainly for our own communication, it also focuses on how we can get the worst of the world to lower the volume, to quiet our minds in order to expand our thoughtfulness and wonderment. This quiet practice can help reduce the effects of anxiety and depression.
We are all social creatures. However, in today’s society we tend to get lost in things that don’t allow our brains to function properly. We watch hours of TikTok or Instagram, binge watch movies and shows on Netflix and talk for hours with friends, not to listen but to be heard.
We need to learn for quiet times in our lives to understand what we are missing. STFU is a constant practice, just like learning a musical instrument. We can take time off here and there, but we must continue to practice the art or we will fall back to old practices.
One idea that resonated with Lyons is the W.A.I.T. method, that internal voice that causes you to listen. W.A.I.T. can be:
Why am I talking?
Why am I tweeting or texting?
Asking yourself W.A.I.T. gives you the mental pause that you need. It provided me with the pause to ask myself: Do I really need to add to this conversation? Is what I’m going to add going to provide value? Am I just occupying dead air?
Using this method, I began to see that I was not adding value, I was just adding. I began to really listen to conversations, which allowed me to understand, which clarified my understanding, thoughtfulness and if needed, responses.
Lyons discusses social media, our saving grace during COVID. STFU doesn’t just work in real life, but also in social media. Talkaholics can really take to the rabbit hole of commenting in social media and how it affects us.
W.A.I.T. (or Why Am I Commenting)? Mostly because I want to be heard. This leads to Lyons’ suggestion to S.I.T.F.O. or Shut it the F*** Off. We need to shut the noise off and just listen.
Social media can be the best and worst thing that has happened to society, especially talkaholics. Turn off social media doom scrolling, listen to the quiet and regain your physical connection to the world.
STFU can help you become a better negotiator, listened to more and get what you want faster, just by causing moments of silence. The world is full of times we must learn to STFU, not just in business but in our personal lives; sometimes our friends, partners and kids are just looking for someone to listen, not to discuss their problems.
I have read this book twice and listened to it twice in under three years – I told you I’m a talkaholic. Each time I do, I gain nuggets of knowledge and learn to listen even better.
My life has changed for the better; I now enjoy sitting back and just listening to conversations. Is it hard? You bet, and I must constantly remind myself of W.A.I.T.
Do I also let my hair down (truly a figure of speech)? You bet, but when it’s called for, hanging out with friends or family to just have fun. I am not cured, I’m a recovering talkaholic, but I am also enjoying the journey.
The world remains a noisy place. Even if you aren’t a talkaholic, you no doubt realize how this noise affects all of us.
We all have times where we speak when we should just listen. Maybe the world could become a quieter place.
Mark Butsavage is a sales training manager for B. Braun Medical. Email Mark at mark.butsavage@bbraunusa.com or connect with him through linkedin.com/in/mark-butsavage-4496763b.