RELATING
BY JENNIFER KING LINDLEY
FESTIVE COCKTAILS with the neighbors? You bet! A white elephant gift exchange with your book club? Sure! Visit both sides of the family for their Big Day get-togethers? Um…yes? The holidays can bring a blizzard of invitations and obligations. And these events have to be crammed in between making and decorating cookies, shopping for the perfect scarf for Aunt Edna, and, oh yes, all the normal life stuff. Sure, spending time with friends and loved ones is the very spirit of the season. It’s just that too many plans can leave us burned-out and ready to bah-humbug anyone who says, “Happy holidays!”
Declining an invite is tough any time of year because we want to be agreeable and avoid disappointing others. But sending regrets now, when expectations are amped up and the whole world seems to be gleefully celebrating 24/7 (particularly on social media), can feel harder than usual. “We’re bombarded with messages that the holidays should be glamorous, fun, and amazing, which creates unrealistic expectations and personal and social pressure,” says Joyce Marter, a licensed psychotherapist and the author of The Financial Mindset Fix: A Mental Fitness Program for an Abundant Life. We literally call it the most wonderful time of the year. No wonder FOMO can hit whenever we say no.
So how do you strike the balance between overdoing it and missing all the fun or, worse, feeling like you’re letting folks down? By using this guide to separate the musts from the nice to-dos from the nahs.
“Sometimes we overcommit because the future seems far off and abstract and we feel disconnected from our future self.”
Marter suggests letting one simple question guide your decision-making: What do you most want your holidays to be like? “Perhaps you want to focus on expressing gratitude or deeply connecting with certain loved ones,” she offers, adding that you should keep that vision in mind when choosing to opt in or out of events. Then stick with what really matters, says Kaylee Hackney, PhD, host of Elegant Balance, a podcast about work-life balance. Before the holidays, she and her husband schedule their can’t-miss activities, like dinner with friends from church. “Otherwise it’s halfway through December and we spent the entire month responding to other people instead of taking control,” she says. Not sure what your motivation is? Look at your most meaningful memories from the last few years. “Pick your favorite three moments from past holidays and think about why they rose to the top,” suggests Aarti Gupta, PsyD, founder and clinical director of TherapyNest, a private practice in Palo Alto, California. Loved seeing your local theater’s production of The Nutcracker? Schedule it in! Rinse, repeat.
That Saturday-night potluck sounds like a good idea…until it’s time to buckle down and make your famous artichoke dip. And there’s a reason for that, explains psychologist Ann Marie Roepke, PhD, founder of Evoke Training and Consulting, a mental health educational service for professionals in Seattle. “Sometimes we overcommit because the future seems far off and abstract and we feel disconnected from our future self,” she says. “They’re a hypothetical stranger to us, and we’re not that invested in their needs.” The solution: Visualize your future self-getting ready for the event after a long week at work. How does that feel? Another idea from Roepke: “Think about what you would decide if this event were to happen tomorrow versus next month.” Do these little mental gymnastics, then RSVP accordingly.
We’re so used to firing off an email or responding to a coworker’s Slack message that confirming our attendance ASAP may come automatically too. (It doesn’t help that email invites require only a quick click and that texts feel so urgent.) “I recommend buying time before replying to anything you’re on the fence about,” says Meghan Watson, a licensed psychotherapist and the founder of Bloom Psychology and Wellness, a therapy collective of Toronto-based Black, Indigenous, South Asian, and multiracial therapists. “You can say, ‘Thanks so much! Sounds great! I’ll need to check my calendar/look at my workflow/consult my partner and circle back with an answer.’” This gives you a chance to consider whether an invite supports the vision of the holidays you set earlier in the season.
Add any travel plans, activities, and can’t-miss invites to the calendar as soon as they’re confirmed, Hackney advises. (Consider starting even before you finish your Thanksgiving leftovers. And, by the way, it’s totally fine to reach out to people who do something every year to ask if they’re hosting again.) You’ll get a sense of the big picture, without having to plan everything you’re doing just yet. Simply look at the calendar, see what you’re in for, and process it. “I’m big on planning,” Hackney says. “This way, I’m able to fit in things that are part of my dream, and I don’t feel guilty, because I know I’ve incorporated everything I want to.”
Treat your energy level like a bank account, “where you’re making deposits and withdrawals,” suggests Natalie Christine Dattilo, PhD, a clinical psychologist and the founder of Priority Wellness Group, a behavioral health consultancy in Boston. Some activities deplete our resources, while others add to them, she says. Finding a happy mix of action and downtime requires a bit of self-searching. Think about how often you like to socialize and the types of activities that cost energy versus provide it. If your introverted side feels drained after a large party, slot in time for things that help you recharge—like walking, reading, or hanging with your immediate family— afterward. “For instance, I have a client who knows she can handle one or two events on a weekend, tops, and she plans accordingly,” Marter says.
Here’s the problem with the fear of missing out: It can manifest in a surprising way. “You miss out on today’s pleasures—delighting in your warm and cozy bed, for instance—because you’re so worried about what else is out there,” Gupta says. Practicing mindfulness can help bring your drifting, wistful thoughts back to your current situation. Make a point to savor the experiences you’ve chosen using all your senses. Feel the warmth of the fire on your back, wiggle your toes in your fuzzy slippers, relish the spectacle of your child’s whipped-cream mustache, sink into bed, appreciating the gift of well-restedness. Having a mantra that reinforces your decision can also be reassuring, Marter says. A couple to consider: “Taking care of myself is always the best choice” or “There will be other opportunities for fun and connection.” Oh, and stay off Instagram if you’re doubting yourself. A 2020 study of 419 people published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that the more someone used social media, the more FOMO they experienced.
Ages ago, you agreed to attend your cousin’s ugly-sweater karaoke party. Now every single bone in your body wants to stay home. To rally, recall why you committed in the first place. “Maybe you want to build bonds with neighbors or support a friend who’s been having a rough time,” Dattilo says. “Think about how good you’ll feel afterward! Activating that sense of anticipated reward is a motivator.” If you need more encouragement, moving your body can usually help get your mind on board, Dattilo adds. “Take a shower. Get into your outfit. Tell yourself you still don’t have to go as you do so. But over 90% of the time, when you get that far, you end up going.”
Is it OK to beg off at the last minute? That depends. While you shouldn’t go if you’re feeling sick or if it’ll wear you down, Gomes suggests taking the host’s feelings into account too. Is this a big blowout with a crowd of people where you won’t be missed? Or are you leaving a hole at an intimate dinner party you promised to bring dessert to? If it’s the latter, rally and make an appearance, even if only for an hour. You don’t need to stay until the very end, dancing to Mariah Carey’s greatest hits. Your host will likely understand if you need to catch up on downtime (and may feel a little overextended too). Prioritize your needs and cut yourself some slack, and you’ll be on your way to a good time.