Connections
Every year, millions of employees walk into performance reviews feeling anxious, only to walk out feeling even worse. The traditional performance review process is broken — not only does it fail to drive performance, but it actively damages relationships, trust and team morale.
A Gallup study found that only 14% of employees strongly agree that performance reviews inspire them to improve. Research from Harvard Business Review revealed that traditional performance reviews decrease engagement by 30% due to heightened stress and uncertainty. Despite decades of corporate fine-tuning, companies continue to use a system that leaves employees feeling judged, anxious and disconnected from their leaders.
This raises an essential question: Are we measuring performance or building engagement? Are we truly developing our people or are we damaging their sense of security and trust? The answer is clear: Performance reviews are outdated and harmful. Instead of fostering growth, they create emotional distress, disconnection and a rupture in trust between managers and employees.
Consider Lisa, a high-performing, well-respected employee who walked into her first review with a new manager, Ryan. She felt a mix of anxiety, uncertainty and vulnerability — emotions that many professionals can relate to. Lisa wasn’t expecting anything negative. She had received positive feedback from her peers and had been delivering results.
Yet, as the performance review began, her body tensed, her chest felt heavy and her mind raced. Thoughts flooded her mind: What if he had something bad to say? Is he holding back the real feedback until the end? Am I about to be blindsided?
This isn’t just Lisa’s personal anxiety — it’s a universal emotional response to performance reviews. Traditional reviews create a power imbalance where the manager evaluates and the employee braces for impact. Even when feedback is meant to be constructive, the structure of the conversation feels like a verdict rather than a collaboration. Then, the moment came. Ryan told Lisa she needed to be more professional — specifically, that eating on camera and brushing her hair during virtual meetings was inappropriate.
At first glance, Ryan’s feedback might seem minor, even helpful. But for Lisa, it triggered an avalanche of emotions. Embarrassment set in as she thought, I should have known better. How could I be so unprofessional? That embarrassment quickly turned into shame — I’m failing at something so basic. What must he think of me? Then came rejection — Is he questioning my competence as a professional? — and finally, fear — What if this means I’m not seen as valuable anymore? Will I lose my job?
In that moment, Ryan may not have realized it but his words disconnected him from Lisa. The feedback wasn’t just about behavior; it struck at her sense of worth, her value and her place in the team. According to Jill Hooley, professor of psychology at Harvard, criticism in attachment relationships is processed like a low-grade punch to the brain. It activates the same neural pain centers that physical harm does.
When people feel judged, devalued or rejected, their brains go into threat mode, making it nearly impossible to absorb feedback productively. This is where traditional performance reviews fail spectacularly. They don’t account for the emotional experience of the employee.
Instead of leaving the review feeling motivated and empowered, Lisa left questioning her value, feeling distant from Ryan and carrying emotional distress. And Ryan? He walked away feeling a different kind of disconnection. He wondered if Lisa had really heard what he was saying. He didn’t mean to hurt her, but he felt the tension in the room. His intention was to help Lisa, but now he worried that she might shut down instead. What should have been a moment of professional growth turned into a rupture in their working relationship.
Lisa’s experience is not unique. Performance reviews are not just ineffective — they are emotionally harmful. The structure of a review creates an “us vs. them” dynamic where employees feel evaluated rather than supported. When feedback feels like judgment instead of collaboration, employees shut down, withdraw or become resentful.
Instead of strengthening relationships, reviews often damage them, making future conversations more difficult and strained. But the biggest flaw of all is that performance reviews miss the real issue: emotional connection. Employees don’t just want feedback; they want to feel connected with their manager and their team members. They want to feel secure in their relationships at work.
The irony is that many managers, like Ryan, aren’t even aware of the damage being done. They believe they are offering helpful guidance, but they don’t see the emotional impact of how it lands. To move forward, organizations must abandon outdated performance review models and replace them with emotionally connected conversations, continuous, two-way discussions that foster emotional safety, trust and growth.
Instead of formal, high-pressure evaluations, leaders should create ongoing conversations where employees feel safe discussing their challenges, successes and impact. Recognizing emotional responses is key. If an employee appears shaken, defensive or withdrawn, it’s essential to pause and consider what’s happening to them, rather than pushing forward.
True leadership requires vulnerability. A simple shift in communication, such as saying, I noticed myself getting frustrated when I see distractions on Zoom, and I realized I need to talk about it in a way that feels supportive rather than critical, can transform the dynamic from one of judgment to one of connection.
Ensuring psychological safety is non-negotiable. No one can take constructive criticism well if they don’t feel safe at first. Before giving feedback, leaders must establish a secure connection in the relationship. Instead of telling employees how they should improve, managers should explore together the challenges that cause a disconnect in the relationship.
For instance, rather than saying, “you need to be more professional,” Ryan could have said, “when I see distractions in meetings, I feel like I’m not important and worry that I am not a priority at that moment. I lose the connection with you and start to doubt my abilities as a manager.” This kind of statement opens the door for a more meaningful and productive conversation.
Lisa and Ryan’s story illustrates the hidden emotional toll of performance reviews — a toll that often goes unspoken but leaves lasting damage. If leaders want real engagement, growth and high performance, they need to abandon outdated review models and replace them with emotionally connected conversations that foster security, trust and connection.
People don’t just want to be evaluated. They want to feel valued. That’s the difference between a workplace that people endure and a workplace where people thrive.
Lola Gershfeld, Psy.D., is CEO and organizational psychologist for EmC Leaders. Email her at lola@emcleaders.com or connect through https://www.linkedin.com/in/lolagershfeld/.
