To watch a golf tournament on TV is to be inundated with marketing gobbledygook from prescription drug manufacturers. Who knew we had so much wrong with us that we need so many corrective medications? Viagra, Cialis, Ozempic, Vabysmo, Skyrizi, Rinvoq, Eliquis, Xeljanz, Rexulti, Rybelsus, Syfovre, Trulicity and Jardiance …
Serenity now! Calgon, take me away.
Some marketing agency makes a fortune by seemingly giving lab monkeys Scrabble tiles (without most of the vowels) to come up with names for new drugs.
If only they would come up with pills that could fix all of our real golf problems.
YIPADRYL: Used to treat male and female putting dysfunction. In combination with a Scotty Cameron, Ping PLD, Odyssey Jailbird or comparable high-priced flatstick that you are positive can fix everything, the acting ingredient "rotellafil" increases blood flow to the amygdala in the medial temporal lobe to suppress fear, anxiety and sudden hand twitches.
Side effects include big-headedness, delusions of grandeur, dizziness, upset playing partners, vision changes such as seeing lines all over the green. Rarely, sudden increased bouts of chutzpah can lead to permanent self-indulgence and loss of mortgage payments. If confidence lasts for more than a four-hour round, keep playing.
DCHAMBO: For use in golfers who really want to be loved and to hit it long. Do not take DCHAMBO if you are allergic to rough or shame. Side effects include sudden robotic bodily movements, dramatic fluctuations in weight and muscle tone, back pain caused by overswinging, science-imposter syndrome and social-media awkwardness.
DEEJACHYL: Completely empties the mind of all thoughts to free the body to swing without inhibitions. You may also lose some weight. Side effects include speaking in short sentences with no substance, unexplained leaves of absence, decreased problem-solving skills, over-satisfaction, reduction in competitive fire and no more effs left to give.
OEMXIT: Cuts down on sudden urges to buy new equipment and reduces the chance of overextending your credit cards. OEMXIT is not for use in people with offshore tax havens. Call your financial adviser and/or spouse if you feel a sudden loss of control in all judgment regarding square-headed drivers or an Alien wedge. May cause slice.
LIVAPHYL: If you have everything going for you and really want to throw it all away, LIVAPHYL is the pill for you. Enjoy the self-satisfaction of being right all the time and knowing everything, even if it damages world order and your reputation. May cause exile and sudden cravings for fig jam.
GYDDYUP: Cures unnecessary waggles, practice swings, caddie deliberation, AimPoint, disregard for everyone else and the belief that your abysmal pace of play is a God-given right. There is absolutely nothing that can go wrong with taking this prescription speed pill. The lone side effect is universal happiness.
Your results may vary.
Scott Michaux
E-MAIL SCOTT
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