FIRST PERSON
by Tina Tormey
More than 20 years ago, I was a residence director attending the NEACUHO Regional Entry Level Institute when a faculty mentor talked about learning the difference between being tired and experiencing actual burnout. Exhaustion is treated effectively with time off, but burnout is deeper and takes longer to recover from. As a type-A, perfectionistic child of the 1980s who grew up during an era of perfect attendance awards and frequently worked more hours than was necessary or more than was healthy, I struggled to understand the difference. I wrestled with that concept for decades. Then the pandemic hit, and things started to clear up.
During those months, everyone was navigating unchartered territory with public health mandates; balancing recommendations and requirements from local, state, and federal public health officials; taking in advice from our professional organizations and colleagues across the state; and trying to digest and communicate all of this to staff who were scared and anxious. We experienced a racial reckoning as we heard even more stories of Black people killed at the hands of police across the country. And, at the same time, I was the custodial parent of an elementary school kid who went from strict screen time restrictions and no computer in the house to online learning. Plus, this was happening with no local support system or childcare. Needless to say, I spent a fair number of nights lying on the floor for 30 minutes at the end of the work day, only to get up, feed, and play with my child before returning to my own computer screen to tackle the outstanding work tasks after he went to bed.
It took me months of actively prioritizing my health with sleep, gentle activity, therapy, practicing better boundary-setting, good nutrition, and seeking out opportunities for joy and rest. Many of these practices I learned from reading Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle by sisters Emily and Amelia Nagoski. That said, I find that after especially stressful incidents or busy seasons, I start to drift into burnout territory more easily than before. As I write this in the middle of August – and all that goes along with this time of year – I find myself sometimes slipping closer to that border between tired and burned out. I imagine many of you reading this feel the same way. That’s when I turn to some of the practices from the book that help me manage.
The first is to complete the stress cycle. The stress response has been around since the days when we were outrunning predators in the wild. That feeling of being fidgety or restless when stressed is a call for movement, regardless of whether the stressor is an angry parent or a room that flooded hours before a student moved in. Dispersing the fight-or-flight energy with a walk, dance party, shaking out my hands, or even a good cry helps.
The second is to find a connection. This one is really important and nuanced. When experiencing stress or burnout, it’s easy to want to vent to a friend or colleague. And that has its place. But investing all of our connection time talking about what is bringing us down isn’t really uplifting. So vent to a trusted friend – someone who can respond in a way that makes you feel seen and heard – but also experience joy or awe together. That might be grabbing a cocktail with a friend to complain and then enjoying appetizers with the same friend at trivia night. It might be processing the day with your partner and then going on a walk to stargaze and search for planets. The Nagoski sisters talk about these connections being “coregulating.”
Another strategy is to schedule rest. For the last 16 years at my current institution, I’ve had the same tradition. The day we open our doors to first-year students, I pick up sushi from my favorite local restaurant and schedule a day off. I also make sure I’m practicing good sleep hygiene, although duty calls sometimes disrupt that.
When all else fails, I try to remember to just breathe. I am the farthest you can get from a mindful, relaxed person. One of my favorite people in my circle calls me “No Chill Tina.” But spreading out on the floor again and practicing a brief meditation or breathing exercise (find them on YouTube or download an app like Headspace, if you need guidance) is incredibly reinvigorating for me. And, finally, there is something to be said for the My Therapist meme about using humor to overcome stress and trauma. Remember the power of laughing when you see my imaginary sitcom called “Other Duties as Assigned” premiere on the streaming service of your choice.
There is nothing particularly challenging about any of these strategies once one makes the choice to adopt them in their life and routine. To that end, whether a staff person is in a position of looking out for themselves, for those they supervise, or both, nobody should feel as though making space for these practices is a burden. Supervisors should build space for recovery into meeting agendas and their departmental practices. Doing so will benefit ourselves, our campuses, and our students and, hopefully, head off the possibility of being tired turning into burnout.
Tina Tormey is the director of residential education and housing at The College of New Jersey in Ewing.