Self-Esteem for Personal and Professional Success
By Sydney Lease
My journey with self-esteem began when I was a student leader at my undergraduate institution. I was the president of the residence hall association, a position I was proud to hold, yet I was unsure about how to be a leader and was incredibly self-conscious. One day, after a meeting, my advisor pulled me aside and said, “Here, I think you need this; it helped me a lot when I was a student.” When I realized it was a book on self-esteem, I was devastated! The last thing someone struggling with self-esteem wants is for a person in authority to notice their lack of confidence. I angrily shoved the book on a shelf and finished my undergraduate career.
Fast forward a few years: I was struggling with my job search as I wrapped up my higher education degree and opted to meet with the campus counseling office. Everyone in my cohort seemed to have more interviews than I did and better job offers in better cities, and I felt like every interview was painfully stressful. Worse, I wasn’t getting any offers. In a session, my counselor slid a worksheet on self-esteem over to me, and to my surprise, it was from the same book I had rejected years earlier. This time, I read the book cover to cover and completed every worksheet.
Now that I lead a team in residence life, the lessons I learned from working on my own self-esteem (which I continue to work on) are essential to my leadership. A few years ago, I noticed my team members’ inner critics constantly at work, undermining their self-esteem. I would hear them say things like “That comment I said in the meeting was so stupid! I shouldn’t have said anything…,” “I feel like my student staff members don’t respect me,” “I totally messed up that duty response in front of everyone,” “I can’t be on that committee, I’d embarrass myself,” and “I’m such a procrastinator! Why can’t I meet this deadline?” As a mid-level manager, my inner critic is often just as loud, telling me things like, “I’m not the best person for this job” or “I’m not setting a clear enough vision for my team.” The inner critic is also the loudest for staff who hold intersecting marginalized identities because the inner critic is reinforced by stereotypes and bias. While our internal critic serves a purpose – driving us to achieve and protecting us from perceived failures – it also comes at a great cost: avoiding opportunities for fear of failure, missing out on great work relationships out of fear of rejection, and, worst of all, developing an unhealthy and inaccurate view of oneself.
I noticed my supervisees’ inner critics frequently and could see that they were hindering their success and well-being at work, so I decided to incorporate self-esteem into our annual residence life professional staff training. In the training, we go over why we have an inner critic, unmask what it’s really trying to tell us (e.g., “Don’t apply for that career-advancing role, you’ll make a fool of yourself in front of the whole department if you don’t get it”), and we learn how to silence it. This includes using positive self-affirmation statements. (Did you know Snoop Dogg released an affirmation song for kids that’s surprisingly engaging for new professionals? Look it up!). We even yell and scream at our inner critic to “shut up!” At the end of the training, the staff create their own door decorations with an emoji and their self-affirmation statement to keep in their office for when their critic acts up.
It’s my hope that being able to coach my supervisees on recognizing when their self-esteem is rocky gives them the ability to recognize the same critic in the students they lead. I hope this helps our entire organization and resident population take informed risks, embrace opportunities, innovate, and build lasting relationships.
Now that I’ve been leading self-esteem training for my staff for a few years, I’m working on expanding it. I plan to incorporate ongoing self-esteem check-ins throughout the year, especially at critical times, like before annual evaluations. Giving clear, timely, and specific feedback can be hard with someone who struggles with their self-esteem, as sometimes it feels like feedback is attacking our deepest insecurities. By coaching healthier self-esteem, I strive to have team members who can incorporate feedback into their role without creating complex or emotional baggage. I also believe that developing self-esteem can be a valuable tool to fight burnout and attrition in new professionals from the higher education field.
Even though I’m the “self-esteem queen” for others, I still struggle with my own self-esteem on a daily basis (“Write an article for ACUHO-I Talking Stick? What if people think I’m a bad writer?”) Leading a team in a challenging environment, with increasing work stressors and a fast-paced role, creates a lot of opportunity for mistakes and self-doubt. Sometimes I can feel my own critic’s voice rearing its head, but knowing how to counteract my own negative self-talk has made me a better, more supportive leader – someone who can accept and give feedback, both positive and constructive.
I often think about my undergraduate advisor and how the act of giving me that book on self-esteem has impacted not only my life but also that of many others I’ve worked with over the years. We engage in countless words and actions in a day, month, or year, and it’s powerful to think about how we can be a positive force for others, building their self-esteem in a lasting, meaningful way rather than harming it.
As for that book I was lent years ago, I still haven’t returned it to its original owner… But I won’t be too hard on myself for that.
Sydney Lease is the associate director of residence life at Indiana University in Indianapolis.