by Tina Tormey
More than 20 years ago, I was a residence director attending the NEACUHO Regional Entry Level Institute when a faculty mentor talked about learning the difference between being tired and experiencing actual burnout. Exhaustion is treated effectively with time off, but burnout is deeper and takes longer to recover from. As a type-A, perfectionistic child of the 1980s who grew up during an era of perfect attendance awards and frequently worked more hours than was necessary or more than was healthy, I struggled to understand the difference. I wrestled with that concept for decades. Then the pandemic hit, and things started to clear up.
During
those months, everyone was navigating unchartered territory with public health
mandates; balancing recommendations and requirements from local, state, and
federal public health officials; taking in advice from our professional
organizations and colleagues across the state; and trying to digest and
communicate all of this to staff who were scared and anxious. We experienced a
racial reckoning as we heard even more stories of Black people killed at the
hands of police across the country. And, at the same time, I was the custodial
parent of an elementary school kid who went from strict screen time
restrictions and no computer in the house to online learning. Plus, this was
happening with no local support system or childcare. Needless to say, I spent a
fair number of nights lying on the floor for 30 minutes at the end of the work day,
only to get up, feed, and play with my child before returning to my own
computer screen to tackle the outstanding work tasks after he went to bed.
It took me
months of actively prioritizing my health with sleep, gentle activity, therapy,
practicing better boundary-setting, good nutrition, and seeking out
opportunities for joy and rest. Many of these practices I learned from reading Burnout:
The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle by sisters Emily and
Amelia Nagoski. That said, I find that after especially stressful incidents or
busy seasons, I start to drift into burnout territory more easily than before. As
I write this in the middle of August – and all that goes along with this time
of year – I find myself sometimes slipping closer to that border between tired
and burned out. I imagine many of you reading this feel the same way. That’s
when I turn to some of the practices from the book that help me manage.
The first
is to complete the stress cycle. The stress response has been around since the
days when we were outrunning predators in the wild. That feeling of being
fidgety or restless when stressed is a call for movement, regardless of whether the
stressor is an angry parent or a room that flooded hours before a student moved
in. Dispersing the fight-or-flight energy with a walk, dance party, shaking out
my hands, or even a good cry helps.
The second
is to find a connection. This one is really important and nuanced. When experiencing
stress or burnout, it’s easy to want to vent to a friend or colleague. And that
has its place. But investing all of our connection time talking about what is
bringing us down isn’t really uplifting. So vent to a trusted friend – someone
who can respond in a way that makes you feel seen and heard – but also
experience joy or awe together. That might be grabbing a cocktail with a friend
to complain and then enjoying appetizers with the same friend at trivia night.
It might be processing the day with your partner and then going on a walk to
stargaze and search for planets. The Nagoski sisters talk about these
connections being “coregulating.”
Another
strategy is to schedule rest. For the last 16 years at my current institution, I’ve
had the same tradition. The day we open our doors to first-year students, I
pick up sushi from my favorite local restaurant and schedule a day off. I also
make sure I’m practicing good sleep hygiene, although duty calls sometimes
disrupt that.
When all
else fails, I try to remember to just breathe. I am the farthest you can get
from a mindful, relaxed person. One of my favorite people in my circle calls me
“No Chill Tina.” But spreading out on the floor again and practicing a brief meditation or breathing exercise (find
them on YouTube or download an app like Headspace, if you need guidance) is incredibly
reinvigorating for me. And, finally, there is something to be said for the My Therapist
meme about using humor to overcome stress and trauma. Remember the power of
laughing when you see my imaginary sitcom called “Other Duties as Assigned”
premiere on the streaming service of your choice.
There is
nothing particularly challenging about any of these strategies once one makes
the choice to adopt them in their life and routine. To that end, whether a
staff person is in a position of looking out for themselves, for those they
supervise, or both, nobody should feel as though making space for these
practices is a burden. Supervisors should build space for recovery into meeting
agendas and their departmental practices. Doing so will benefit ourselves, our campuses,
and our students and, hopefully, head off the possibility of being tired
turning into burnout.
Tina Tormey is the director of residential education and housing at The College of New Jersey in Ewing.